I call this a slice of life post.
It's very personal BUT if I can address this, YOU CAN TOO!
After 25 years of a really difficult relationship I decided to release my fears of retribution, abandonment, and judgment and be completely honest and transparent.
By expressing myself genuinely, and with integrity (for the betterment of the relationship) it took letting go of my fears.
When I addressed the pain in this relationship, and took responsibility for my actions, emotions and behavior, a magical thing happened.
Don't get me wrong, the person was definitely resistant in the beginning.
Typically there would be escalated yelling, walking away, slamming down the phone or non-communication for months on end.
I refused to allow this to happen.
I was very frank:
"It’s because I love you that I’m saying this and we are going to get to the bottom of it. I want you to be healthier, and our relationship to be healthier. I also want to be healthier. Your behavior has been detrimental to both of us and we need to get it out in the open. No more avoidance, sweeping it under the rug, or gossiping to anyone who will listen."
I wasn't the only person experiencing their behavior. I WAS the only person willing put myself OUT THERE to deal with it.
I understand this person has narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies. The behavior stems from an early childhood of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. I understand that completely and do my best to make allowances for it.
HOW can I stand around for one more minute without at least trying to make the situation better for us?
HOW can I turn my back on all of my meditation and healing arts training without being a complete charlatan? A fraud? Do as I say, not as I do?
In the end things are changing.
This person is making an effort.
Being honest and transparent, in a loving way, has had an overarching affect on my ENTIRE existence.
Releasing the fear of confrontation and accepting that confrontation happens released fear in many areas of my life.
Hey, better late than never. CLICHÉ but true.
How has it manifested in other areas of my life?
I’m not fearful of speaking up when I get bad service.
I WILL send food back with a pleasant tone in my voice, a smile and a please and thank you.
I’m not fearful of speaking up when someone is rude, unkind, discriminatory or out right nasty.
I express myself firmly and kindly.
In general, this has been greeted with little or no pushback and has surprised me on many levels.
Without a doubt it is a freeing feeling not to be afraid of others' reactions to being truthful and standing up for myself.
Believe me, I have asked myself numerous times: "How did I go for so long being a people-pleaser and FEARING the ramifications and repercussions of standing up for myself and expressing myself?"
I liked to use the excuse that I was in entertainment for so many years and was trained to give people what they wanted in terms of my behavior.
It is an industry of insecurity. An industry of desperation.
An industry where you may be flying high one moment and road kill the next.
Remarkable highs and soul-killing lows.
Yea, so what? So are most big industries.
It's an excuse.
Here's a non-sequitar:
The incredible thing is my lifelong fear of spiders has disappeared.
I love all of Mother Nature’s creatures, even the creepy ones.
I have no problem with snakes and lizards, but I really struggled with spiders or centipedes.
....or any bugs from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
Yesterday, I was standing in my driveway and a spider crawled across the driveway in front of my toes. Instead of stepping on it or running away I knelt down and watched it.
Have you ever watched a spider build a web? It’s nothing short of mesmerizing.
I’ve started watching spiders build webs on my lanai.
Now I gently wrangle them in the house and take them outside.
It makes me think of Charlotte's Web by E.B. White.
They are fascinating creatures.
Granted, we seem to recoil from anything with a myriad of appendages. It's just, well, alien.
NOW I’m excited and thinking "What’s next?"
What other lurking fears - conscious, subconscious or unconscious - can I acknowledge as unfounded when they bubble up?
Of course, I don’t plan on being reckless.
I still listen to my fight or flight responses... the dangerous ones.
I live near alligators and sharks. I have a healthy respect and admiration for them AND I keep a respectable distance.
Even in my travels abroad a healthy fear includes staying safe amongst exotic creatures and unfamiliar peoples.
Maybe it’s the climate we're in today.
Maybe it’s because I’m watching the youth of our country stand up for their own safety, protection, and freedom of expression to live healthy, happy and productive lives.
If they can do it, why can't I?
That being said, I STILL deal with claustrophobia.
I know EXACTLY where that manifested...
...from a mean little girl, who was the child of my parent's friends when I was young.
She used to lock me in the basement laundry room of our apartment building and turn out the lights.
OR hold me under water in the swimming pool.
I get it.
She had her own family issues.
Luckily, I still love to swim.
AND I'm not afraid of the dark.
I made peace with those pesky little demons years ago.
Nevertheless, forget about getting me into one of those dark, haunted houses.
Or an MRI machine...
As always, thanks for reading.
See you next week!
KaZ has been in many facets of entertainment, plus the co-owner of two restaurants, a fitness center, a television production company and the owner of a cinema. She did a stint in politics (she won't be doing that again anytime soon), and in veterinary medicine, She now focuses on writing.
In addition to the above, KaZ is an award-winning vocalist, a former dancer, stunt actor, circus artist, & professional water skier. She has worked as a theater artistic director & writer.
KaZ has been a published writer in magazines & books since the age of 15. She has written plays that have been produced in New York, Florida & New Orleans. She has a featured chapter in the book How To Survive A Move. (Up-to-date she has moved 45 times!) KaZ wrote an article for Organic Wine Journal, and also an article featured at the Ground Zero Memorial.
KaZ co-wrote 2 television informational series & 3 television pilots.
One of the pilots, a sit-com, was produced as a reality pilot. KaZ has revisited it and it's now a one season cable series.
“(And ) Then This Happened.” is based on life, love, and everything in between in the mid-life years. Loosely based on her life and the life of two of her best girlfriends.
KaZ's many high pressure pursuits led her to meditation.
She began studying meditation in '91. Her initial training focused on Kundalini Yoga with Yogi Bhajan and his teachers. She is a certified Master Meditation and Qigong Instructor.
Most recently KaZ taught in a juvenile justice facility, and lectured on mental health in juvenile justice.
With writing being her first love, look for KaZ's upcoming children's books
from the mind of two grandmothers.
Plus, a play based on letters from her two great uncles during WWII.